I met this couple at a cute coffee shop in Montclair on 8.5.19.
They were beautiful, melanin rich light beams of love. I sparkled that they’d see the same in me & of course, the universe supported our connection & here we are.
Emmy knew exactly the type of pregnancy, labor & birth experience she wanted. Calm, peaceful, based in powerful love, and as natural as possible. Together we were able to manifest just that. On 2/2/2020, Emmy labored calmly at home with her team for about 14 hours before we transferred to the birth center.
The Midwives were so kind, gentle, reassuring and respectful of the transition of spaces. They had the bath already filled upon arrival, they quickly connected her birth playlist, offered her hydration, dimmed the lights and supported Jon and Emmy in every way possible. It was deeply beautiful to be a part of this space and mother-centered experience.
Caitlyn, the Midwife, noticed some complications with baby & suggested a hospital transfer. She knew how much Emmy and Jon wanted to avoid the hospital & kept that in mind when gently communicating this news to them. The way she was able to validate Emmy & Jon’s feelings while not shoving them out the door in a panic made a huge difference in the disappointing transfer of spaces.
Upon arrival to the hospital (5 min car transfer) the energy shift was so real!! The hospital staff was in emergency mode & luckily, the midwife was a great buffer for all of us; the bridge between their medical & emotional wellbeing. The decision was made that Emmy needed a C-section and she was quickly wheeled away to the OR, while Jon nervously put on the scrubs that were shoved at his chest. I was hurried out of the room and into the waiting room. Healthy Baby Boy Jonem was born via cesarean; eventually mom was okay & dad was able to breathe again. A new chapter has begun.
BEHIND THE SCENES FROM THE DOULA’S PERSPECTIVE
I LOVE that Emmy’s labor experience was everything she wanted it to be. Calm, quiet, romantic, connected, familiar, full of trust, love and support. Seeing a black womxn’s strength and power is medicine to my soul.
Everything from early labor through the birth center was delicious.
That hospital transfer though- THAT was traumatizing.
Upon arrival, I was asked not to film Emmy’s experience. I absolutely feel some type of way that many hospitals don’t allow filming to protect themselves legally. If they are doing everything correctly and ethically, then why are they scared to let a womxn’s story be captured?
Once the decision was made for her to have a C-section, Jon and I were left in the empty hospital room, staring at the blank space that Emmy’s bed occupied just minutes before. Snapping us back into reality, someone came in and shoved disposable scrubs into Jon’s chest, instructing him to put them on quickly. As the tears filled his lash line, threatening to pour over at any moment, my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. I rushed to collect all of our things, ready to hold space for Jon as he awaited the green light to enter the OR. It’s as if he was finally letting himself feel- rather than be a pillar for his partner.
And just like that, I found myself on the other side of the Labor & Delivery wing entrance. The hospital staff didn’t allow me to stay with him. It was truly heartbreaking.
Shortly after, the midwife text me to notify me that the baby was born healthy, but that Emmy had to be put to sleep and we had to wait for her to wake up. My heart immediately clenched and my mind became the devil’s playground. I could no longer hold my emotions. I walked into that bathroom and sobbed my little eyes out. I was so scared. Sad. Disappointed. Defeated. Why did she need a section? Why the fuck was she put to sleep? Why hasn’t she woken up? Why Can’t I be with them? Could I have done anything differently? Why hadn’t I gotten an update?
I paced a hole into the waiting room floor, for it had been HOURS before I knew anything. Finally, I get news that Emmy woke up and “seemed to be doing well.” All I could think about was “how could she be ‘doing well’ if she doesn’t even have her baby, her partner or her doula by her side? How could she be ‘doing well’ if she has a deep fear of hospitals and the insanely high number of black maternal mortality in the US- and now she’s alone.
It was such an emotional roller coaster, combined with lack of rest & adequate nutrients, ya girl was depleted as a mother. With that being said, I wanted to wait to see Em & get some footage for her video— so I stayed.
When I was finally able to see her, she wasn’t even Emmy. She was pale and zombified; holding her baby next to her emotionally exhausted partner in a dull, cold, emotionless hospital room. I was bombarded with an array of opposing feelings. There was great gratitude for their physical health. Relief that they were okay. So deeply saddened for their spirits, so disappointed in their surroundings & the way that their birth story ended…
After 24 hours of support, I drove 40 minutes to drop off her placenta, then another 10 minutes home, in complete silence. Depleted and defeated.
It’s 2am, I’m showered, in bed, deeply breathing when I get a text. My next client tells me she thinks she may be in labor. I ALMOST DIED…..